An Angel At My Door...

Today an Angel came to my door and her name is Jan Kopec. It's been 20 years since I have seen her and through the years we lost track. After Jay's passing she found me on Facebook; she continuously sends me messages of encouragement and has become my cheerleader. This beautiful memory box with the lighted gilded frame - adorned with the blue tail dragonfly Jan made for me with so much love. I am touched beyond words; for this gesture is salve for a grieving mothers heart. Thank you Jan I will treasure this "memento" always. Xxoo

 

 

 

From Jan - “ You're welcome....it was my pleasure without a doubt. Thank You, for being an inspiration to me 20 years ago. It's helped me become the person I am today. You will always be someone I admire. In some way, even if just a little bit, I wanted to help heal your heart. :o)”

Bru House Boyz

A Bond of Brothers

On Veterans Day I went to church to volunteer. As I was leaving a tow truck passed me.  On the back bumper was two crosses; just like the one that Jay had on the back of his truck.  This sticker was for the Bru house boyz; a special club of friends who all had quads (Matt Shea, Jay and Bobby Haggerty).  Driving away I had the Bru house boyz on my mind.

Being Veterans Day I decided to buy roses for Dad (a Navy Veteran) and of course one for Jay.

I am at the cemetery raking and picking up leaves at Jay and Dad’s Memorial.  I see a black SUV pull-up and think nothing of it.  That is until Bobby Haggerty stepped out of the car.

No coincidence; I never go to the cemetery on a Monday always on Sunday.  Bobby should have been working but had a gathering at the French Club.  There is no chance we would have gone to the cemetery at the same time.

Thank you my son for always sending me a sign……miss you like crazy.

 

 

Birdhouse and the Dragonfly

Late in the evening Tuesday, July 9^th   I went back to the cemetery to visit Jay again.  It was a long emotional day and my heart heavy from the memories of that awful day three years ago.  There are only a few people who continue to keep Jay’s memory alive.  They always remember his anniversary and birthday; I always get a tex message or a call.  One of those people is Jay’s best-friend Jared; he was the first one to reach out to me on Jay’s anniversary.    Even though he was out of town working he made arrangements to have a Harley birdhouse placed at the cemetery.  His unconditional love and commitment to Jay calms my heart.  Jared gives me bear hugs like my Jay; if I close my eyes – I can feel my son.

Sunday morning I had breakfast with Jared; I had something personal of Jay I wanted to give him.  Jared was touched and I knew I had made the right decision.  After attending Church I went to the cemetery as I always do.  As I was weeding and cleaning up around the memorial this blue-tailed dragonfly kept flying around me.  It flew so close to my face; that I could hear the beating of the wings.  It then lighted on the shepherds hook near me and continued to perch there for at least 15 minutes.  Even as I moved around; it lifted up in flight but came right back.   I opened my hand and it came and sat on my finger; it was unmoved by my walking around or taking pictures.  Eventually I put it back on the shepherd’s hook.  I knew Jay was showing me that he was happy and appreciated what I did for his buddy Jared that morning.  A half hour had passed and the dragonfly was still with me. Leaving I turned to get one last look – the blue tailed dragonfly was gone.

                      

The Man at the Cemetery

Went today to water the plants at the cemetery; it has been so hot.  I half expect now that I will see a dragonfly when I get there; so I did.  It makes me giggle inside knowing Jay is always waiting for me when I get there

The Shepard’s Hook that holds the Harley Birdhouse needs replacing.  One of the metal legs is bent and I am afraid it will fall and damage Jay’s Memorial stone.   I decided when I left the cemetery to go and buy a new on; I would replace it tomorrow.  Paranoid about something happening; I went back tonight to the cemetery to put up the new hook.  As I pulled up to Jay’s Memorial, I noticed a truck with a skull attached to the trailer hitch.  In my mind, I’m thinking Jay would have like that.  Looking around, I didn’t see anyone; thought maybe it was one of the walkers I see there frequently.  I was struggling to remove the hook when this young man around Jay’s age asked if he could help me.  He was so kind and even put the old hook by my car.   When done I shook his hand and introduced myself.  He said “nice to meet you – my name is Jay Jay”…..I started to cry.  I explained that was my son’s nickname.  He told me of a terrible motorcycle accident he was involved in August 2009; he spoke of being two weeks in a coma and the long road to his recovery.  Then he say’s “want to hear something crazier – my mom’s name is Nancy”.  But, she is up there with your son. 

Live Like Jay

“Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.”   Frederick Buechner

July 9^th 2013 will mark the third anniversary of my Jay’s untimely accident.  Being a logical person, I truly believed that this year would not be as hard as year one and year two.  I look at where I was three years ago compared to today; I am stronger, wiser and learning; pushing myself to live my life without Jay in it.  But the devastation started to settle in once the calendar changed to July 1^st.  

Grief is such an angry beast!  He is relentless in his quest to strip me of hope and joy.  The beast knocks me back down and detours my journey of healing.  The sadness makes me tired and I cry so much more than I normally do.  Stinkin thinkin magnifies itself; I start to question my existence here on earth.  Am I ever going to do more than just exist day to day waiting for joy to return.   I’m sad.  Brokenhearted and wounded.  My Jay is momentarily gone from me, taken without notice, way too soon for my liking.

But always in true fashion, my Jay finds a way of sending a message to me from behind the veil.   Renting movies is my way of keeping my mind quiet.  I picked this movie called “Chasing Mavericks”; I thought it was a horse movie.  Unbeknownst to me it was a true story of “Jay Moriarty” a surfer who lived only 22 short years. 

At the end of the movie this sign comes across the screen; “Live Like Jay”.    When the community in California says “Live Like Jay”.  It means to enjoy every day and live in the moment.  Take the time to appreciate the people around you.   I cry alligator tears “okay my Jay okay.”

One month before Jay passed he wrote the following on the chalkboard in the basement.

“Gotta look this world in the eye. Gotta live this life until you die”

Love you my son to the moon and back for always...miss you like crazy

The Lord Sent An Army

I have walked around the last couple days replaying the experience that transpired on Sunday in Church.  A small voice in my head told me I should share with you what happened.  Trauma of losing my son Jay has left such a large hole in my heart; it is a monumental task to be in a place of grace and joy at times.

There are two passages in the bible that I hang onto with every fiber of my being.  I read them over and over; they give me hope that someday I will be alive again and not just existing on this journey called grief.

·         Jeremiah 31:13 “I will turn mourning into gladness….I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” 

·         Jeremiah 29:11 “I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord – plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 Sunday when Pastor called those to the altar; I thought to myself I am not going up again.  I have gone to the altar so many times not only here but in South Carolina and Florida.  Always with the same burden: desperate for comfort and healing….desperate to know God’s plan for me.   I have to believe that Jay’s death will not be in vain – that some good will come from it.

 As I stood in the back of the church; I prayed with all my heart that the Lord would send me an ARMY to heal the brokenness in my heart.  

My sister asked me to go with her to the altar; she didn’t want to go alone.  I went with the intent of just being present for her.  As I stood behind her the need for my own prayer was overwhelming so I stepped over to pray.   I felt the Pastor’s presence behind me also praying.  I thought why me!  Then he looked at me and said I am not trying to embarrass you, but feel we need to do this.  The next statement he made were the most profound words.  He said “I want all men to come and pray for her."  In all my years of attending Church I never heard Pastor ask for just the men to come and pray.

Pastor had called an ARMY of men………..my dear Lord heard me.  I have Hope!

Too Many Coincidences Not To Mention....

 

This year I seriously thought I was better equipped to handle Mother's Day.  That is so far from the truth; yesterday and today has been an emotional upheaval of memories and feelings.  I  cried alligator tears one minute and the next I am unleashing anger over Jason's death on my baby sister (yes I have apologized profusely - thank God she understood and was sympathetic).  Mitch Carmody who speaks on grief sent this message to the grieving Mothers of Compassionate Friends:
"No matter how many years will pass - your heart will hurt this day.  Like a glowing ember flaring up the pain returns your way.  There is nothing that can be said, nothing anyone can do.  No one can heal the pain inside of you. It is your pain, the greatest burden a mother can bear. Find solace the best you can in knowing a mother's love transcends all time and space.  And no matter where your child is - they will feel your heart's embrace."

And so in true fashion my son let's me know he is near:

1. Yesterday a lady approached me - she had on a beautiful dragonfly necklace. (Jay's poem - the Dragonfly)
2.  Immediately after leaving the parking lot - a truck passed me; attached to the front of his grill was a Tasmanian Devil (Jay's nickname in school)
3. I received this card from Compassionate Friends; yes I am Forever Jay's Mom           
4. As I left the cemetery this morning; I turned and said to Jay please visit me today. When I got into the car I received this tex. "Happy Mother's Day - I love you to the moon and back".  Yes it was from my sweet Morgan but I also knew that Jay found a way to let me know that he loves me to the moon and back also.
5. Home after the cemetery; I felt so tired.  Crying takes so much energy physically and mentally. I decided to lay down for awhile - but something told me to look outside.  Perched on my deck railing was the most beautiful orange oriole.  Never saw a bird like this in my yard ever; Jay knows how much I love the birds. 
6. But the best of all messages came late tonight after I left my youngest son.  It was dusk but I could see something shiny in the bushes at the edge of the woods.  It was this balloon that had gotten away from someone and made it's way to my home - "YOU'RE A GREAT MOM"

 There are no coincidences; things happen for a reason.  Mitch is right; my Jay he always feels my heart's embrace.  Miss my son and love him to the moon and back for always.  God Bless all grieving Moms this day.


When You Take A Step Backwards

Jay’s last entry on his Facebook status simply said:

“Everyday seems to be a little easier than the last.  I just can’t wait till the day when I can just enjoy today”.

 When I saw this message yesterday I thought to myself it was as if Jay had written this for me also.  Being back in Connecticut for the last 10 days after spending three months away has been such an emotional roller-coaster for me.  I have lost my sure footing! Triggers triggers triggers they are everywhere in Windham.  Being away allowed me to heal; there wasn’t the constant reminder that my Jay is really gone.  The downstairs where Jay stayed is empty and void of his presence.  It echoes with emptiness; no familiar sounds, no laughter, no familiar smells – just quiet. The telephone pole that took him away from us looms ominously a 1/8 of a mile from my driveway.  Visiting the cemetery after so many months and seeing his handsome face on a stone of granite; just felt so unreal.   Last Sunday, as I hugged his stone feeling the cold against my cheek; all I wished for was one more Jay hug.  In true Jay fashion I get my wish!  Stopping at a local IGA to pick up a few things – Jay’s best friend Jared is there and his is wearing Jay’s Memorial shirt.  He gives me one of Jay’s bear hugs.  Jay sent me Jared when he couldn't be there himself.  Monday I was still struggling; as I sat in the dentist office a dental technician came in; on her neck was tattooed the most beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly.  My best friend said it so eloquently “Jay always sends you strength”.  That he does and I am trying harder today.

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 Excerpt from by Hope For The Broken Hearted: Everyone does grieve differently, but most people will share this same experience... you will be going along, thinking that you are doing well and then a song, a smell or something unexpected will pop up, and it will hit you hard... you will feel so overcome with grief, that it feels like you are back to square one with your pain. If you are aware that it can happen...and more importantly, that it's normal and that others experience the same thing, it won't throw you for such a loop... you will realize you're not back at square one, you've only taken a step backward and you will not remain stuck there... you will soon be able to continue where you left off in your healing journey.